Two is to tango.. & three is to not!

When it comes to singles, here is one term that seems just so insignificant.. Infidelity. No matter how many people they date, sleep with or have flings, here is one act that will not be held against them ever. And that’s cause they are not bound by a piece of paper or society that tags them as “married”. They can live their lives free as a grasshopper living for the day, and not care what the world has to say!

But when it comes to the married or engaged, this very term is seen in a different and crucial light. Anything that one does to harm the sanctity of marriage is seen by the society as taboo. A person who leaps beyond his/her marriage is all of traitor. I wonder why? We all seek love and affection. As humans, if we didn't get it in one relationship, we tend to hunt elsewhere to gain contentment. It’s like an instinct. One follows the heart and boy it travels – from places to people. 

Being married for over five months now, I have begun to realise the importance and true meaning of this terminology much more. No.. my husband is not cheating on me and neither am I. It’s just that there are so many relationships around me today—I've seen them in a completely different light until now, but the closer I peep, the more I begin to fathom the issues. 

In the year 2006, while I was in college as the much audacious teenager, I felt I knew it all. That I was the biggest critic of each and every thing that came by and no one could judge things, people and situations better. It was then I saw a Bollywood flick titled Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna. Revolving around the subject of infidelity, the film was crisp, filled with emotions and yet, the most silly thing that I ever saw (that’s what my teenage mindset told me). At the time, I felt as though this was the most ridiculous and overrated filmy trash that only needs to be dumped. As years went by, I chose to forget the film as a waste of my precious pocket money and left it just there.. in the past. 

Seven years down the line on this very day, the film and every scene from it plays in front of my eyes. How could I have misjudged such a fantastic subject? Well, I wasn't really the target audience for it.. As the filmmaker would put it. But then again, I feel I had no idea what the subject was all about. The true essence and gravity of the issue hits me only today, and like never before. The film spells the story of two couples that are only compromising in their marriages when they are not very keen on taking it forward and happy in the first place. The lady from one couple and man from the other, happen to meet each other and fall in love. Sex does happen but that too was shown with utmost poise as I see it today. The couple suffers when their spouses find out and undergo a self created punishment by staying away from each other and also separating from their spouses. As a classic Bollywood saga, the lovers unite eventually. But what hits me the most is their journey when they were cheating on their spouses. 

I’d only heard that marriage changes you a lot and teaches you much more than you can take. It is true. Marriage does give immense perspective when it comes to handling any situation. My very close friend T and his wife S are a classic case in point here. I've known them for six years and have seen them at their very best until now. For me, they have always been this fiercely independent couple, strong-headed, career oriented yet affectionate and most importantly deeply in love with each other. Well, their son sure stands as proof here. 

For the past six months, I've been watching them much closely. With flourishing careers and soaring pay packages, independence always existed. But their independence, followed by high self-esteem soon seemed to have transformed into inflated egos. The two had a wonderful son, great careers, a fab house, swanky car. It was just near perfect. But there remains one thing missing here.. love. The intimacy, affection and love that I saw in their eyes for each other seems to have completely faded away. Today, they are nothing more than a mere couple that has everything it takes but no love. In the rat race to succeed in their professional lives, they seem to have suddenly lost the point. 

A recent revelation is that T is involved with another woman. The man’s ship has sailed and how! He is in a relationship with a girl who was a former colleague. With T frequently making official trips away from home, pleasure often tags along. The two have had several such stay-overs by now. The girlfriend in question is still single. She is fully aware of the fact that T is married with a child. But guess that’s really not the lady's concern. Meanwhile, S has no clue about her husband’s interests. She sits up late in the office, working, yet she is upbeat about hanging out with friends, shopping, spending time with family and making lovely meals for her husband with the same zest. Being a tomboy that she is, S too loves hanging out with guys and may be having interests elsewhere too but I can somehow tell she doesn't have the courage to step out and have a parallel relationship. 

While for me, when I see them today as merely husband and wife and not lovers, it breaks my heart. If there was any magic wand that could change the dynamics of their relationship and get them back to where they started out, I’d thank my stars a million times! But who can tell. While I cannot blame anyone here, I do wonder, is it really important to have a parallel relationship when you have one at hand? Are we so vulnerable that we cannot work our way through relationships and hence keep looking for escape paths? 

Another case in point is A (aged 55) who has been married for 20 years now. With two sons both in college, he has served his company for over 30 years. With an income of about 20k per month, he manages to live in a one room kitchen apartment with his children and wife. Today I get the news that his wife is having an affair with a man from her office. They talk to eachother for hours over the phone and he visits her when A isn’t at home. A received the news of his wife’s relationship in a rather filmy fashion. The said man’s wife called A and enlightened him about the affair their spouses were having. Well, age clearly has nothing to do with infidelity. On hearing the news, A decided to send his wife a legal notice. And now here’s the best part.. the anger fizzled out in no time. Why? Well, for starters, A’s reputation was at stake and so was his children’s future. So now, although he detests living with his so-called wife, he will have to live the dead relationship only to pacify our society and oblige social norms. Although he wishes never to see his wife’s face again, he will have to do it for the sake of not being tagged as “the man who’s wife had an affair”. 

Such is the melodrama of life. Be it any age group, couples these days have little time for love and respect for their spouses. We live in such a cynical world, that although we love someone with a full heart in early days, we eventually start hating them for their little nutty habits post marriage. Why is it that we have this constant hunger for a change! Why can’t we just be happy and content with what we have! I mean people really have the time, money and energy to invest in parallel relationships. Leave aside the dual life trauma and lying to the spouse. Very few actually have the heart to stick to a relationship and work it out. While we are ready to struggle our butts off in our professional lives, when it comes to our marriages, we are all set to give it up in an instant. Well, high time we learn to value what we have and revive the magic in our marriages. If we can spend eight hours a day making our bosses happy, a few happy hours with our spouse won’t hurt! Would it?

Multiple Personality-----Disorder?

About a decade ago.. (sure I sound very old when I say that but that’s beside the point and I’m not so old.. )I was immensely hooked on to a fiction book titled Tell Me Your Dreams. Written by the notorious author Sidney Sheldon, the story revolved around a lady with a curious “multiple personality disorder”. The book snared me so much, I’d read it walking down a street, in the train (flanked by over-sized aunties and wannabe cool gals) and even during college lectures. Being a slow reader, I always liked to take my own sweet time to complete a book to live the character’s life thoroughly. Doing so brought me much closer to it and its peculiar traits.

Coming to the book, it gave elaborate and incredible instances where the leading lady swapped personalities in a jiffy. As per the author, she did so because she faced a serious medical disorder famously known as the MPD (multiple personality disorder).  As per the common definition, the terminology stands for a mental disorder  characterized by at least two distinct and relatively enduring identities that alternately control a person's behavior. It is accompanied by memory mutilation for important information not explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

Well, as much as the scientific and psychological definition sounds relevant, I feel it’s far from a disorder. Every individual on the face of this earth has multiple personalities. And we all use it to our advantage/benefit. Surrounded by so many people all the time leaves me with no choice but to observe their behavioral traits and what fun it has been! I have come to believe that we all have what they call alter egos/multiple personalities. All those mommies, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends, bosses, colleagues, relatives around you, look at them once again. Just stop for a moment and observe their behavioral transformations. They all have these layers of personalities crowded in there that show up in different situations.

As per the psychological definition, a person with MPD acts as a completely different person away from his/her original personality and even tells his/her name as different. We are no exception to it either. All of us have multiple personalities but it’s just that we don’t call ourselves different names in different situations. An MPD person may even cause harm, but don’t we cause harm to anyone in any given circumstances? Directly or indirectly. In physicality or otherwise. We all do so.

I worked with a media house in the creative department. While my job profile required me to write creatively, I took it a notch higher and studied the entire gamut of people I happened to come across. My observations only went on to prove my “We all are MPD cases” theory. For instance, my colleague would portray a completely different picture about his work in front of me and a stark contrast in front of my boss. And, my super boss had a yet another super contrasting image of my this colleague and his personality. While I too replicate my colleague’s behavior, but in much subtle format, my colleague plainly mastered the art and worked his way through a smart appraisal and a massive reduction in work scope.

Yet another colleague made me feel, he’s this super concerned, well-behaved guy who respects women like a promise he’s made to a dying friend; yet he managed to bitch about every person that walked by, tried to find out all that’s happening and not-so-happening in a gal’s life and most importantly dug out all the juicy gossips that floated around. And the best part was, the bosses and super bosses were mighty impressed because he portrayed to them that he did so only get work done from people and that he’s just another cute boy next door otherwise!

I exchanged vows with my long term boyfriend a month ago. While the happiness of being around him all the time means so much to me, all through the month, especially during the first few days after marriage, I came across a volley of MPD cases. Not around me, but within me. I had like a zillion personalities deeply entrenched. While I was this coy, obedient girl in front of my in-laws, I was much the pampered daughter in front of my parents. Quite like the one who swore not move a feather in either her parent’s or in-laws house. While I am the bratty sister, I am also that super cool friend who cares a damn about the world. While I am an affectionate niece, I’m also that witty colleague who will work her way through all odds. While I’m also the gal who will say she loves to wear Indian ensembles to make her folks happy, I am in fact the girl who only swears by international fashion trends.

Point is, we all try to portray ourselves in a certain way in front of certain people. We always want the best of us to come forth in different situations. We all hate being judged but end up judging others for what personality they have.

While we only play around adjectives like, sweet, funny, bratty, smart, witty, brash, bold et al to make an impression, we indeed forget what our true personality is. As a popular saying goes, You are yourself when you do things while you’re all alone. It’s only what you do while you’re alone that counts as your true personality. While I do agree with it to an extent, the thing is, even when we are alone, we have that subconscious feeling, that someone is watching us, like the way an actor feels when he/she is canning a scene for a film. That a silent audience in the theater must be watching him/her. It’s as if a film camera hidden somewhere around is capturing your every move. And there we go! All we do is confuse ourselves and goof up with the personality drama.

All said and done, we sure need to get out there and drop all those inhibitions we have about ourselves. All those fears we have are only causing us to be trapped further and further in this thick mesh of multiple personalities. We don’t know who we really are or what is the true essence of our personality. Where our true character belongs. Well, the answer also perhaps lies within us. All we need to do is introspect and stop using the term Multiple Personality Disorder. Cos hey, if you use it for others, guess what! You have it too!