In-Law Law Land...from La La Land

“Neha….you sat in the exact same boat that I left! Why did you do it! Why!” Wailed my darlin’ bestie on the other side of the network. My other friend went into a WTF frenzy that ended with me hanging up on her. My sister had a champion panic attack and my mother went into depressive speechlessness struck by a frostbite!

The big news? My “in-laws” moved in with us! Yes! After 4 years and 10 months of living life on the high road with my man, the law did strike on us… and how! The ‘relationships with in-laws remain great when you live apart’ theory was kicked in the butt and out the window! Reality had bitten me bad and I was three weeks into it already! 

Most Indian girls who live with their parents for a good 20-30 years, are practically living in La La Land. No liabilities, no need to give money to parents, no pressure to cook, no managing home front; and most of all, no answerability towards parents. Cos our parents know it all about us. They understand us and accept us the way we are. There are the occasional fireworks, but only to let go for the love we share. That’s how beautiful and carefree it is.. just like in La La Land!

In my case, La La Land was great fun! Answerable I always was to my parents, but never had to worry about the “who said to whom”. Who did what and why she did it! No partiality and more so, we all were and are treated equals! The inequality in my house reigned, only when my husband and the ‘prince jamai (son-in-law)’ walked into our home and was enthroned above us on a pedestal, where his likes and dislikes were catered to. More than mine! Not that I wasn’t given importance, but he was given a lot more of it! And I love it till today. Not that he is given more importance, but the fact that my family loves him so much and shows it to him in these little ways. It melts my heart to see the man I love, enjoy a scrumptious fish fry with my mum!

Now, in-Law Law Land, the picture is WAY DIFFERENT! For 4 years and 10 months, my in-laws stayed in for a mere 5 days in two months may be, or even less than that. It was all hunky dory and cordial. It still is. Last year, I had my abroad living sister grieving about her in-law lessons and the dramatics at the Derbyshire School of Drama. I could fathom the intensity of her problems but since I wasn’t facing them upfront, I could only go “Oh Gosh!” and “That’s crazy!” on her. The biggest flaw of staying abroad is, having your Indian in-laws coming over for 6 months straight, with no work to do, no outsiders to meet and having but not spending the money to even act touristy! And with a 5-month-old baby in the house! And the husband being out of home most times for work! Even my fingers are tired typing it… Sister dear was at war front every single day!

For me, I always advocated the philosophy that relationship with in-laws stays beautiful when you’re living apart. I still do. But I said that in a happy trance, presuming I’d never have to live with my in-laws. And look what I did! Jinxed it all for myself! Never in my farthest dreams did I fancy this situation. After La La Land at my parent’s, it was La La Land even after marriage. For a good 4 years 10 months! The best part was, the accountability I had towards my parents was gone too, after I moved in with my husband and we were nuclear. Who cares if I wake up at 8am or 12pm! Who cares if I cooked a meal or just did away with bread-butter drill for breakfast, lunch and dinner! Who cares if I had friends over at midnight! Who cares if I even left my clothes all over the house and kept it mess royalty! Who cares if me and my husband just woke up at 3am and went for a drive! Who cares if I didn’t make non-veg for a straight 3 months cos I hate touching raw chicken (ewww)! Who cares if I struck a deal with my God and didn’t do puja for a few days! Who cares if I eat the fresh food and leave the stale dal for my husband to finish! Who cares if I buy all my favorite foods and veggies from the supermarket and not consider my husband’s choices! Who cares if I spend all evening after a work day, just staying mum and not speaking to anyone! Who cares if I go for a morning or evening walk and return four hours later! Who cares if I shopped for all that’s in the 8 bags I carried home! I earned the money, I’ll spend it the way I want to! And most important of all, who cares if I spent 15 bucks or 50 bucks on a vegetable! I wanted to eat it, I bought it! Who the hell cares! Who!

Well, in-Law Law Land……. they care! Rather, they coerce you to do none of the kickass things I just mentioned! Forget coercing, it’s an implicit “law” to do none of the above and just follow the societal norm! Follow Samaj ke Usool, even if you have to be Patthar ke Phool! Or make a fool of yourself! Do whatever it takes, but don’t do any of the above. No matter what!

Now, if your in-laws move in with you, the problem is still resolvable! But if you move into the in-laws house, then you are simply doomed! Simply because in their household, their rules take precedence! In your household, your rules do. But, the biggest catch is, when the in-laws live in your house and work their ways around and try to twist your rules, to fit in theirs. That’s where the circus begins.

So what really happens in-Law Law Land in reality?

With in-laws moving into your house, the catch22 begins on Day 1 itself!

Day 1, when they decided to move in and you can't express veto, because you genuinely believe that if your parents wished to move in with you, you’d always welcome them with open arms! You have to give in. No choice there.

Day 2, when the father-in-law (FIL) calls you to a breakfast conference at 9am, and you yawn your way to the dining table, scrabbling your head in partial coma, wondering if you're in the correct room for the conference! Your mother-in-law (MIL) is chomping on her flat rice, while your husband is flipping TV channels, right beside her. You sit beside your husband, still getting acquainted to the world. The FIL walks in after a bath and has draped his towel-sarong around the waist. Excited that you all paid heed to his summon, he immediately plonks on the chair exact opposite to you and begins the conference! He touch-bases on parameters like how they lived a certain lifestyle and can’t change it now for you, to young couples leaving each other over a few arguments, to some woman he bumped into who questioned him about not living with his sons, thus leading him to take this major step! (How you hate that woman!) He puts forth his views in front of you'll with sheer vigor, in an effort to win an impromptu house elocution.

While your husband hears him and only nods, since he knows it's pointless discussing anything, you step out of your coma instantly, cos in your heart, you are enraged to hear him talk about all this. But in all sobriety, you plant a smile on your face; looking at him in disbelief and amazed at his chain of thought. And also wondering if your husband is really his son! Asking the FIL if you could now speak, you officially take off. Firstly, you tell him that you're not going to leave his son and even wonder why you are assuring him! But only to take the burden off the ol’ man’s chest, you say so. You tell him that he is right and the world is different and changing now! And if he has decided to move in to his son’s place, then he should do it for the right reason. Because he wants to live and spend time with his son and live as a family! Not because some nasty woman showed off her prickliness! You say, “If you have decided to move in because a random lady said something random, you would never be happy living with us, cos you took the decision based on what someone else told you. Not what your heart said. And you will regret it later! So decide if you wish to live with us for the right or wrong reason.” He replies, “But it’s the social norm that old parents live with their sons only. So what’s wrong with that!” You refute, “Then in that case, since you quoted that the world has changed now, then even a girl’s old parents should live with her although she’s married! So where would they go? Should we all stay together then? Me, your son, you, your wife and my parents? One big happy family! Shall we do it? Practically that’s not feasible! So let’s not get into social norms.” FIL is dazed by now. But you, are on fire! “If a person has lived his life a certain way for 65 odd years, it’s foolish for anyone to expect that he/she should change. So be rest assured that we won’t ask you to undergo reformation! But if there are certain things that you could do to keep your son or daughter-in-law happy, wouldn’t you do it for their sake and the betterment of all?” Stunned he is. Only to make you realise his lack of interest in your sermon; and history is proof that he detests listening to other’s viewpoints. Your flat rice chomping MIL could certainly vouch for that! And that's when you take all liberty to tell him “Dad, you are a great orator. But your oratory skills are futile, if you can’t even listen to what others have to say. Simply because, if you don’t listen, you will never be heard!” FIL gets up and storms into the room. You choose to believe his sarong was getting out of hand and he needed a change!

Day 3, Sunday. A day when most Indian families cook a happy meal and it has to be non-vegetarian, else it’s deemed criminal! The previous evening, your MIL insists on feeding lamb to her son, and asks if you’d eat it too. As you don’t eat lamb, she offers prawns and you agree! Come Sunday morning, as the hired cook decides to cook in her own house, you are left fulfilling bahu duties of making lunch. On any other Sunday you wouldn’t have bothered to step into the kitchen and ordered a Swaggy (as most mums call it)! But since your in-laws are around, you overact. She begins cooking the lamb. When asked about the prawns, she says, “Oh. They were too expensive for the portion size, so I didn’t buy.” Your mum would have sold her kidney to buy food if your husband preferred it!  But your MIL wouldn’t even consider buying in exchange for kidney beans! You laugh in horror. 

Day 4, the MIL serves everyone dal for dinner. The stale dal is conveniently served in her, your FIL’s and your plate. But the bowl of fresh dal, is served in the son’s plate! You see it, and right there, pick up the bowl of fresh dal, keep it in your plate, and the stale dal bowl goes in the son’s plate! This time, your MIL laughs in horror.

Day 5 until recently… You are repeatedly reminded about all the things you don’t have in the house. The vegetables that you buy are also expensive and you should try the other vendor. “Raju (her son), this Sunday at 9am, we will go to that cheap veggie truck and buy veggies from there!” But Raju as we all know, sleeps only at 8am on Sunday after partying all Saturday night! Boom crashes the veggie truck!

In most households, especially where there's no girl child, the daughter-in-law is expected to do all the household work with no assistance whatsoever. She should also eat the less fresher food, and be the only one cooking if guests come along or if there’s any festive occasion. Man is barred from the kitchen and help in any way! “With so many women in the house, why do we need a man to cook in the kitchen? It’s our job!” When the husband helps the wife in completing household chores, "Oh he is doing so much work these days!" Anything the daughter-in-law cooks, always has some ingredient lacking, no matter how award-winning it may actually be! If the daughter-in-law happens to carry even two bags in her hand, she has "shopped" and is a certified spend-thrift!

Forget stepping out of the house and being labelled by the society, girls living with in-laws are labelled every single day! Judged but never loved unconditionally. And they say times are changing.  Ya sure! La La Land is every girl’s right. Marriage or not. Sadly today, in-Law Law land, there seems not much hope to find that laaa unless you trap yourself in your own bedroom for the rest of your life!

The 7 months with my in-laws landed me and my husband in a La La Land of our own… in another country!

And for all the times I spent in Law Law Land, I am eternally grateful to my bedroom door, for letting me have at least a little life of my own.

PS: Honestly, it’s not that bad in-Law Law Land. Just that as the daughter of the house, you must stand your ground on certain matters, love and care for all in-laws and make sure you pack them off to their homes soon enough! Or just move to another country or planet yourself! Then you’re done!